If you are an experienced photographer then you probably know all of this. But if you’re just starting out, here are some of the rules of professional photography (in no particular order):
Assignments always take longer than planned.
There’s no such thing as a simple shoot.
If the shoot goes smoothly, you’ll have computer problems later.
The more intuitive the software, the more problems you’ll have.
The layout will change after the photo shoot is done.
The CEO always has a bad hair day.
Size of the group to be photographed varies inversely with size of the room.
The only time you need a reshoot is when there’s no time for one.
Success occurs when no one is watching. Failure occurs when the client is watching.
Gear always works at home. Gear always fails on location.
The chance of a piece of equipment breaking is proportional to its importance for the shoot.
The chance of a memory card failing is proportional to the importance of the images it holds.
Sync cords fail only when you use them.
High-priced, long-life batteries last the shortest time.
It rains only when you have an outdoor shoot.
The number of red traffic lights is inversely proportional to the amount of time you have to get there.
The car ahead of you is always going slower than you.
There’s never a parking spot near the door unless you’ve already parked two blocks away.
Events start on time only when you’re running late.
Professional photographers are predictable. The world is full of dangerous amateurs.
When all else fails, read the manual.
An expert is someone who read the manual.
Never buy photo equipment based only on reading the brochure.
Your pictures will never look as good as those in the brochure.
You should have bought the other brand.
Sorry, that’s not covered by the warranty.
It will go on sale the day after you buy it.
The new, improved, lower-priced model will be released next week.
Software that comes with the camera is the first thing you should throw out.
Photo equipment expands to fill all available trunk space.
The weight of your equipment will increase throughout the workday.
You will use only a quarter of the gear you bring and will miss all the gear you left at home.
Photo equipment never fits back into the case it came in.
The focal length of a lens is inversely proportional to the health of your back and bank account.
The perfect piece of gear will be quickly discontinued by the manufacturer.
A camera is useless when left at home.
Copying from another is plagiarism. Copying from many is creativity.
The game-winning play always happens on the other side of the field.
The other photographer is always in the better position.
The opulence of a client’s office varies inversely with what they will pay.
Creativity varies inversely with the number of editors involved.
The alarm clock in the hotel room doesn’t work.
Connecting flights don’t.
Your carry-on will trigger a full hand-search by at least two security people.
“We have a fun little job for you” is Latin for “no money”.
Cash in should exceed cash out.
The accounts-payable person goes on vacation the day before your invoice arrives.
The cheque is in the mail.
When taking pictures of someone, the expression on their face is often a reflection of yours.
Photography is not about the people you photograph but rather the people you touch with your photographs.
There’s much more to photography than just pushing a button. But sometimes, that’s all it takes.
I think that just about covers everything. Has anything been left out?
Tags: humour
